Sticks & Stones…But Tone Will Never Hurt Me
Ever have one of those moments where you hear the critical, self-loathing, insert your adjective, words come out of your child’s mouth, and right before you lean in to correct them, you realize they sound a lot like you?
Yeah, those moments. Gut punch.
With a tweenager in the house whose inability to control his tongue or his emotions is increasing by the minute, I have had more opportunities than I like to hear this critical voice fly. One minute he is providing harsh commentary, in typical first-child fashion, on the way his brother is failing to get the cheerios in his mouth, while the next he is turning that voice on himself and calling himself stupid for forgetting to study for a test.
Now I know I am not responsible for all of the self-talk or dialogue that comes out of my children’s mouths. I definitely don’t call any of my kids stupid, and I am not some dragon mom who has no tolerance for mistakes. Even more, the reality is there is an accuser and a liar that looks to convince them that they are not enough. However, I do try to teach my son better study habits, and the truth is I do find it completely annoying when my kids get more food on the table than in their mouths.
So I find myself in these heartbreaking moments asking myself, “What, if any, is my part in all of this?” I know part of my job as a parent is to correct and train up, but why does it seem like my kids receive it as shame? This all has me thinking a lot about my own words. Is more being communicated to my kids through my tone than what I am actually saying? In addition to that, am I as intentional at pointing out their character wins as I am when they miss the mark?
Someone once said, "A parent’s voice becomes a child’s self-talk. Let’s wire our kids for self-compassion not self-criticism.”
As my children grow up, I pray the voice in their heads isn’t one filled with shame and frustration but rather an encouraging voice that gives grace when needed, while calling them forward into what I know they can be. I know I won’t do this perfectly. There will be plenty of times where my delivery will be anything but kind. But perhaps part of wiring my kids for self-compassion starts with giving a little compassion to myself.