Handling Conflict

Written by Abby Shields

One of the common denominators that couples come into our counseling office with is their need to learn how handle conflict. 

Few couples like to admit it, but conflict is common to all marriages. In our 47 years of marriage my husband and I have had our own share of conflict. Since every marriage has its tensions, it isn’t a question of avoiding them but how you deal with them. 

The following tips are ways that you and your spouse can deal with conflict in a way that is honoring to one another.

1. If one of you has to win an argument let it be your mate. Give up the need to be right. I always remind myself that I would rather be reconciled to my husband than always be right. 

2. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Too often we become "historical" which is fruitless. God put eyes on the front of our heads to look forward. You can't go back and write a new beginning but you can go back and write a new ending. 

3. Check your motivation of your words. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation? 

4. Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says, “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your spouse down. Approach your spouse lovingly. 

5. Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your spouse is coming from. Remember that confronting your spouse with grace and tactfulness requires wisdom, patience, and the humility of Christlikeness.