Marriage Fight Club
In their book, “The Good Fight,” Les and Leslie Parrott say, “Fighting is as intrinsic to marriage as sex. And the goal for both activities is to do them well.”
While my husband may be a little bashful about any boasting in our sexual prowess, oh wait no he wouldn’t, one thing I will boast about is our ability to fight well. Having survived our lucky number 13th year of marriage amidst the crazy of 2020, we found ourselves having many opportunities to “practice” this year.
From big disagreements like finances, schooling options, and how to make time for each other when the kids were ALWAYS home, to something as stupid as him leaving his stuff everywhere, we have had plenty opportunity for conflict. And it hasn’t been just this year. We have faced many fights of the knock down drag out type over the years that ranged from adding another child to the mix to sexual frustration.
No matter the conflict, it seems that we have inadvertently developed “rules” for our arguments. The first of these is to attack the problem, not your spouse. As an ode to the movie, Fight Club, let me say that rule number two is also, “ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR SPOUSE.” To which some of you may reply, “But what if my spouse IS the problem?!” I assure you he is not.
In Ephesians, Paul assures us that our “struggle is not against flesh and blood,… but against the dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12).” I’m pretty sure your spouse doesn’t make the list. So while our spouse’s behavior, or the lies they live from may be contributing to or even causing the conflict, they are not your enemy, Satan is. And he wants nothing more than to use these issues to divide and destroy marriages.
Rule number three, or two if you haven’t seen Fight Club, comes compliments of my marriage counselor mother, and hinges on the question, “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be reconciled?”
This simply means do you want to stand alone in your corner, gloves up, in all your rightness? Or can you put the gloves down long enough to listen to your spouses response? When we put this question in the center of the ring, it makes space for understanding and even a little compassion. It doesn’t always lead to agreement or compromise. However, if I know my husband’s perspective is shaped by his life’s story, and I can bite my tongue long enough to hear his perspective, then I usually arrive at some understanding of his logic. Bonus points for when I even muster up a little compassion for the times I really want to ring his neck. I have found that the hubs and I build bridges and not walls from something as simple as feeling heard.
Finally, we watch our words.
One thing I know is true; hurt people hurt people. So when my husband strikes a nerve that hurts me at the core, my first reaction is to hurt him back. Yet God has given us the ability to respond differently. Ya’ll, before words come out of our mouths let’s check our motives. Are these words to hurt and cut down, or are they speaking truth in love? Words are powerful. With them we have the ability to speak life and healing and the ability to inflict pain and wounds. Hurtful words don’t help anything. They never resolve a conflict and only serve to drive a wedge in the relationship. So let's keep the nasty to ourselves!
So the next time you are about to put up your dukes and go toe to toe with your spouse, remember these rules of marriage fight club. I pray they help you step back, breath, and take the gloves off, so you don’t fight when you’re angry. Over all of this, pray and ask God to bring your hearts together in unity, even if the only unity you have is to agree to disagree. Who knows, if fighting is as intrinsic to marriage as sex, then maybe doing the first well will lead to more of the “make-up” version of the second.